Fans of sports-entertainment are in for a shock tonight, as World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has announced that 2017 will begin with a completely new roster of Superstars, new programming, and radically different storylines.

WWE’s flagship programs for the past several decades, Monday Night Raw and SmackDown, have been “cancelled indefinitely,” to be replaced by a pair of new shows: WWE UNCOOKED on Mondays and WWE SlapChop LIVE on Tuesdays.

The entire 2016 roster of WWE has been released — “WWE wishes everyone the best on their future endeavors,” says a statement issued this morning — and a new slate of talent will begin performing immediately.

Tonight’s episode of WWE UNCOOKED will include:

• #Broken Matt Hardy versus Colt Cabana in a “Ctrl-Alt-Delete Street Fight”
• Roderick Strong versus Gregory Iron in an innovative First Man Standing match
• A no-rope-barbed-wire-light-tubes four-way brawl featuring Masada, Mad Man Pondo, Abdullah Kobayashi and JoJo
• Ronda Rousey versus the entire original cast of G.L.O.W.
• 47 minutes of Triple H explaining how he is single-handedly revolutionizing “this business.”

Tomorrow’s episode of SlapChop LIVE is scheduled to feature an intergender tag match pitting Dixie Carter and Ted Turner against Stephanie McMahon and Eric Bischoff.

 

Keep it kayfabe, brother. Get a shirt!