Rumors of an impending sale of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) were confirmed today when retiring WWE boss Vince McMahon announced that the company had been sold to his onetime rival, former TNA Wrestling mastermind Dixie Carter. 

The news came as a shock to fans and pundits alike, given that Carter has not been publicly associated with professional wrestling over the last four years. 

“The higher power who was bidding for WWE — it was me all along!” hollered Carter during a press conference outside WWE’s “Titan Towers” headquarters in Connecticut, which will soon be renamed The Carter Complex. 

Carter then forced McMahon to become the inaugural member of what she called the Smooch My Tuchus Club. 

Although Carter bought WWE for an “undisclosed sum,” officially, but longtime wrestling journalist Dan Mutzler said on his podcast that the sale price was “roughly a bazillion dollars.” 

Unbeknownst to most wrestling fans, Carter is among the world’s wealthiest individuals, personally worth more than $58 billion, and owns numerous sports and entertainment organizations including the NFL, the PGA, streaming rights to Friends, and The Louvre. 

Carter says her first orders of business will be introducing an eleven-sided ring, replacing Corey Graves with Don West, and rehiring Vince Russo as head of creative.