In its ongoing efforts to be a progressive, egalitarian organization, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has “fixed” archival footage on the WWE Network with updated names such as “Humankind,” “The One-Person Gang,” and “Bret The Responsible Gun Owner Hart.”

“Effective immediately,” reads a press release issued this morning, “World Wrestling Entertainment will ensure that all its programming, past and present, represents the principles of equality, tolerance, diversity, nonviolence, and all that other fluffy stuff.”

The company’s website, WWE.com, lauded the announcement as “historic,” though it also applied the same hyperbolic label to the latest episode of Total Bellas, a photo of Finn Balor’s abdominal muscles, and the latest shirts for sale on its online store.

Among other “improvements” WWE has made to archival footage on the WWE Network:

• “Macho Man” Randy Savage has been renamed “Sensitive Person Randall Tolerant”
• King Harley Race (and other “Kings” of the Ring) has been renamed “Gender-Neutral Monarch of the Ring”
• The Big Boss Man will be known as The Successful Plus-Sized Person
• The Honky Tonk Man has been re-dubbed The Musician
• Mr. Perfect is now A Unique Individual No Better or Worse Than Anyone Else

Further changes include changing Lumberjack Matches to “Forestry Engineer Matches,” and abolishing physical contact of any kind between competitors unless there is unambiguous mutual consent.