After a 14-hour marathon of watching back-to-back episodes of Nitro on the WWE Network while snapping into countless Slim Jims, corpulent wrestling fan Tyler Schmidt is struggling to get back to a vertical base.

Although 27-year-old Schmidt claims to have “great agility for a big man,” the 371-pounder has already made four failed attempts to extract himself from the malodorous futon in his basement apartment.

“Bah gawd,” he wheezed, desperately trying to heave himself out of the “pinning predicament” in which he placed himself many hours earlier.

Schmidt has convinced himself to remain in a “rest hold” a while longer, and then “play possum” until the pizza arrives.

He hopes to make a “hot babyface comeback” when his most recent Monster Energy Drink kicks in.

Until then, he will continue to bemoan latter-day Nitro matches as “lazy booking.”