In a last-minute effort to boost viewership of tonight’s Night of Champions event, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) matchmakers have added Seth Rollins to every bout.

Rollins was already scheduled to compete in two matches — one against John Cena, the other against rookie sensation Sting — which would have been a tall order in itself.

But WWE executive Hunter Hearst Helmsley announced at a press conference this morning that, in keeping with “what’s best for business,” the Night of Champions card has been thus revised:

• Neville and The Lucha Dragons (with Seth Rollins portraying Sin Cara) against Stardust and The Ascension
• Seth Rollins vs. John Cena for the Divas Championship
• Seth Rollins vs. Sting for the WCW Television Title
• Seth Rollins vs. Nikki Bella vs. Charlotte in a triple-threat lingerie pillow fight
• The Shield vs. The Wyatt Family
• Seth Rollins vs. Rusev (with special guest referee Dolph Ziggler)
• The New Day (with Seth Rollins on trombone and Xavier Woods on xylophone) vs. Bubba Ray Rollins and Devon Rollins
• Seth Rollins vs. Seth Rollins for the IWGP Heavyweight Championship

WWE fans worldwide are expected to call the event “awesome,” and then clap five times in a syncopated rhythm.