Legendary professional wrestler and septogenarian Ric Flair, who first retired from the ring 14 years ago, announced today that he will full retire at the culmination of a 30-city North American tour featuring his “Last Match Ever” at each event. 

“The Nature Boy is back for one last ride — and he’s coming to a city near you,” said Flair, 73, in blatant defiance of advice from his doctors, family, and the dwindling ridership of Space Mountain. He then tried to shout his trademark “woo,” but broke into a phlegmy coughing fit and needed to lie down. 

The tour will kick off September 14 in Flair’s home city of Charlotte, NC, with a match against his longtime rival Jay Lethal, and be followed by a string of dates including: 

• Sept. 16, Tallahassee: Ric Flair vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
• Sept. 21, Oklahoma City: Ric Flair vs. Sid Vicious vs. Paul Roma vs. Jeff Jarrett (Fatal Four-Way match to determine “The Greatest Horseman”)
• Oct. 2: Death Valley: Ric Flair vs. Mark “Taker” Calaway
• Oct. 5: Toronto: Ric Flair vs. Charlotte Flair (Loser Leaves the Family match)
• Oct. 31: Amarillo: Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk (Funk’s 100th retirement match)

Flair insists that he “still has a lot of gas in the tank,” though it is believed this is related to chronic geriatric flatulence syndrome.