World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that every single match at this Sunday’s WrestleMania — except the WWE Championship bout between Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns — has been moved from the main card to the pre-show in order to make Reigns look strong.

Reigns and Lesnar are now expected to square off in a four-hour match — known in the wrestling business as a “Quadruple Broadway” — with the goal of convincing fans that Reigns is a viable main-event star (not, as widely believed, a pushed-too-soon greenhorn).

Other matches — such as Sting versus Triple H, and John Cena versus Rusev — will be squeezed into the pre-show between the Andre the Giant Battle Royal and an “expert panel” during which Booker T will say “shucky ducky” several-dozen times for reasons unknown.

Some industry pundits question whether Reigns has the cardiovascular stamina to sustain him through the entire event, or whether the match will violate Lesnar’s new WWE contract, which stipulates only three hours of in-ring work per year.

Though WWE executives are keen to make Reigns look strong, most fans believe the four-hour match against Lesnar will make Reigns look dead.

 

[Thanks to Joseph Wade Walters for the idea.]