The public head-shaving of Hillary Clinton — a stipulation set during the vitriolic American presidential campaign — is scheduled to unfold tonight at the base of the Washington Monument.

The shaving, which will be broadcast live on the WWE Network, will be conducted by president-elect Donald Trump, who appeared laughing maniacally at a press conference this morning while brandishing a set of solid-gold hair clippers.

“Crooked Hillary is going to be balder than King Kong Bundy,” Trump said, while his supporters fired their handguns into the air in celebration. “So bald, so so bald. What a nasty bald woman.”

Trump is an experienced barber, having shorn the head of WWE honcho Vince McMahon, and having shorn away any shred of America’s credibility on the world stage.

Following the defolliculation of Clinton’s scalp, Trump is expected to fire the Mexicools out of a cannon and launch an international manhunt for Muhammad Hassan.