To avoid the inevitable hassles and technical complications of a live pay-per-view event, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) pre-taped its annual WrestleMania spectacular this morning, and we’ve got the exclusive results.

According to a reliable backstage source — who may have been pulling our leg, given today’s date, but that would be a pretty cruel joke, don’t you think? — WrestleMania unfolded as follows:

• Kalisto defeated Ryback by handily disproving “The Secret”
• The 10-Diva tag match was won by surprise entrant Leilani Kai
• The Usos battled The Dudleyz to a one-hour time-limit draw
• Dean Ambrose squashed Brock Lesnar in a record-setting seven seconds
• AJ Styles and Chris Jericho amicably settled their differences and refused to fight one another
• The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal was won, as expected, by JoJo
• Roman Reigns defeated Triple H and was crowned the inaugural WWE All-Time Champion of the Universe
• Undertaker vs. Shane McMahon was cancelled due to time constraints

In other happenings, WrestleMania featured a 75-minute performance by Flo Rida.