World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that the winner of it’s all-women tournament, The Mae Young Classic, will receive not only a shiny trophy and a WWE contract, but also custody of Mae Young’s only child, Hand. 

Since the 2014 passing of Young at the tender young age of 90, Hand has been bouncing from one foster home to the next, unable to find a suitable replacement for the woman who gave birth to him at age 77. 

Hand is now 17 years old and pursuing a career as a “Don’t Walk” sign, and hopes to one day perform in WWE (he has a fantastic knife-edge chop, but an otherwise limited move set). 

Life has been hard for Hand, both with the passing of his mother and the lack of fatherly influence from his deadbeat dad, Mark Henry, who has thus far refused to take a paternity test on the Maury Povich Show. 

According to backstage sources, the winner of the Mae Young Classic — and new mother of Hand — will be someone with a name like Kayyleigh Storrm or Shayzee Jazzpants or Dakota LaSugarbush or something.